Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
