Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
