I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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