"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
