God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
