I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
