My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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