11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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