you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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