when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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