just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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