The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize