I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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