My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
