Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
