Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize