Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize