i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
