What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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