Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
