It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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