Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
