My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
