sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
