where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
