Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
