I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We had sex on a dog bed..
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
