I love black thongs
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
