Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
