i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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