my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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