apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
