Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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