My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
