I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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