his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
