he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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