omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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