I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
