the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
