Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
