I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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