I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
