this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
