why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
