I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
