Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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