Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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