hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize