I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
