Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
