Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
