someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think I am morally bankrupt
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All the doctor said was why
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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