What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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