not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
