Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
