i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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