Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
