Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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